Domestic Violence, Why Won't this old Foe go Away?

That Old Violent Foe
One day I had a dream that men were beating up women n the street and urinating on them. That is a nightmare. I woke up puzzled, distressed, disgusted and thought to myself "why would anyone hit another person when we have a brain to reason with?" But on this planet, this existence violence does exist and women have always been a so very perfect target. but why? Is it something karmic? Ancient? Why is there so much anger and hatred towards women? And yes towards towards same-sex partners?

Why am I Discussing this?
I know the topic of domestic violence is very popular again, specifically on social media to the scandal that occurred recently with a football player. But domestic violence or what some are calling domestic terrorism is nothing new. It's been here since the dawn of time. And not only women have been targets but children, men and animals. It is the so-called perceived "weaker" one who becomes the target. By weaker I certainly don't mean it in the traditional way because it takes mental and spiritual weakness and cowardice to hurt another being. I mean weakness as in somehow emotionally, financially, socio-economically physically dependent on the attacker/aggressor. 

Back in college I wrote a paper titled "Domestic Violence: The Equal Opportunity Destroyer". It was for an honors program. I did a local study that showed that anyone (in this case a sample of women) form any age, race, background, etc., can be a subject domestic violence. Notice I didn't say victim. I believe we can go from recipient of abuse to victor of ones life. However for the sake of simplicity I will use the word victim because it is how most people identify the recipient of abuse. Working on this project led me to working with actual clients who were in violent relationships. These relationships included 

• physical, 
• emotional/psychological, 
• sexual (which includes physical, emotional / spiritual violence),  
• and economic abuse. 

The place where I worked included emergency services, crisis counseling, referrals, finding shelter, crucial information and even changing locks for clients. But why did I decide to do this kind of work? I noticed that many other co-workers were either former domestic violence survivors. And so was I.

My story
As a teenage I met a young man through my best friend's family. I would spend every weekend with them and they would take me to Pennsylvania a mini vacation from New York. It was the greatest thing in the world for me because it was the only family my mother trusted enough to have me stay with them. Everything was great. I was an honors student. I loved being with four girls since I didn't have sisters it was so much fun. When I was 15 it was already a few years I was doing my weekend stay-overs and on one of these I met my friend's cousin and thought I fell in love. Yes, at 15 when our brains and bodies are all over the place developmentally. 

I jump ahead and say we were quickly and item and he was so charming my mother took him right in to our family and we even stayed together. I was convinced I would marry him. Then he showed how jealous he was. Irrationally so. I never thought it was a sign of caring. It clearly was a controlling jealousy and I remember he even wanted me to quit school. I had no intentions of doing that. He became more controlling picking me up, following me, watching everything I did. He would argue with me all the time telling me what to do and when, often shoving me, pushing me around and holding me down. He also assaulted me sexually and I wanted at this point to break up with him but it seemed impossible with his relentless back and forth between loving and bullying me. One day while I was at his family's home in New York as usual, he looked in my journal and saw I was writing letters to an old boyfriend. Nothing romantic just a friendly corresponding. But he didn't see it that way. He accused me of cheating. I screamed to him "how dare you look at my journal, that's private!" He followed me into a room as I grabbed by journal and proceeded to pull me by the hair and pummel me to a pulp. 

He was in such a rage yelling how he was going to kill me and I am sure he was going to. He punched, kicked, smacked and knocked me to the floor kicking me in the head. He was trying to kill me. He said said so. The same old "if I can't have you and you won't respect me I'm gong to kill you". This lead to some serious permanent damage to my left eye and neck. For some reason no one from his family heard me scream at the top of my lungs. But one of his cousins was heading towards the restroom and heard me opened the door and called for the rest of the her family. It took 3 people to get him off me. Literally dragged off, as he was possessed screaming would kill me. I could barely move but dragged myself to their phone and called the police. 

I didn't know where he went but didn't care. I called 911 anyway. His cousin came in and said he drove off that I was safe. I waited for the police who drove me home. I didn't want to go to the hospital and could move. The obliged but with a stern warning. I will never, ever forget what the officer said to me. He looked right at me and said "don't go back with him. He did it once, he will do it again and he can kill you next time. Please don't go back," I heard him out but couldn't think clearly. I got home and my mother screamed with horror. I didn't know why until I saw myself in the mirror and was unrecognizable. 

Weeks later the boyfriend returned. I did go back with him. It took a few more violent encounters for me to realize the officer was right and I was going to end up dead. It took a few years but I left him for good. He did still follow and try to contact me for 10 years. But finally I stopped hearing from him directly and occasionally heard about him from his cousins who by this time I was no longer close to. From what I heard he was beating up whoever he ended up with. He was cruel and also hurt animals. Where is he now? He is dead. He died a few years ago quite young on the eve of my birthday. One of his cousins wished me a happy birthday and gave me the gift of peace of mind he would never stalk me again. What did he die of? I'm not too sure except it had something to do with an enlarged heart. I had no idea he had a heart at all. 

Working with domestic violence victims for years taught me a lot. Including some very unexpected and controversial realizations I will discuss in a future post. I also encountered victims of domestic violence doing other type of consulting, advising and coaching. I no longer provide crisis counseling though the training is instilled in me. When I do encounter this in my spiritual coaching, I deal with it one person at a time and refer them to a professional who has the resources a client needs. The point is, there is always help and options. 

What are the options for victims?
Not every story is like mine. Many victims do die. Many continue to be abused for decades and in turn often pass on the legacy of violence to their children and other generations. I know there is another way. There is help available. One has to want to want it more than air itself. I know some perpetrators are relentless and will continue to try to control their victim until the end. I also know there are incredibly complex factors that make leaving a violent partner or family member very difficult and all but impossible. 

The human spirit can rise above anything. I've seen people dispirited because they feel there are no options, choices or escape from their pain. In this post's case the pain of being victimized. But there is hope and there are options. 

• Ask for help-there are many, many resources available practically everywhere. Both traditional and non traditional. Traditional meaning hotlines, counselors, shelters, the police, and hospitals, non traditional, can be other family members, friends, spiritual centers, neighbors, and colleagues. Never let anyone convince you to try to work things out with a violent partner. There is nothing you can do to control the other's behavior and completely unfair for anyone to ask you.
• Do your research-there are many ways to prevent, avoid and leave abusive relationships. Arm yourself with knowledge. In this case knowledge truly is power. Very often you need a strategy to get away. Many abusers use all their resources to try to maintain control. So it is best to have a plan.
• Be willing to pick up and go
• Never go back
• Watch for your children and pets. They are the silent victims and need the adult to have the wherewithal to protect them.
• Some perpetrators have triggers some do not. If you do know their triggers and many victims do, know you are not responsible for his/her action but avoid escalating until you can get to safety. 
• Trust your gut above all. It is never wrong, while the heart and head working separately can falter 

Calling and doing an internet search when you are able to safely will give you so much information. Including identifying or confirming you are being abused. There could be so much confusion in some relationships including seeing in your own family, or friends lives it can seem it's okay or normal to have violence in ones life but it is not. Not at all. There are ways of living peacefully, joyfully, healthfully. Know that is your birthright. 

Start with a simple hotline search if you are not sure The National Domestic Violence Hotline can also refer you to a local service for more help.

Why won't domestic violence go away?

As I started this post, I repeat that domestic violence has existed since the beginning of our recorded history. Just think of the image of a caveman hitting a woman over the head and dragging her by the hair into the cave. This is seen as actually comical. It isn't. It's dead serious, literally. So why after all this time have we not conquered the human ill of domestic violence. Hitting, killing hurting the ones we so-call love? Here are some ideas:

-We still don't offer strong legal repercussions to perpetrators

-It still isn't taken as a serious in many parts of the world

-We aren't always educated as to what to look for and how to avoid potential perpetrators 

-We haven't had total spiritual awakening that shows the uselessness of violence.

Can you think of a few more? I'm sure you can. Please add them in the comments section if you wish. 

I send you the light of safety and happiness.

If you would like more information on me and my quest please do contact me. I am of course on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, Youtube, Google+, Pinterest, Blogger, and BlogTalkRadio and all can be accessed via my website: www.thisisdiana.com and http://ow.ly/AGmlA  Sign up to my email list and get a FREE E-Book!

~Always with Love, Light and Common Sense Manners~

Diana Navarro, M.S.

On a Quest to Bring Common Sense Manners Back!