Domestic Violence, Why Won't this old Foe go Away?

That Old Violent Foe
One day I had a dream that men were beating up women n the street and urinating on them. That is a nightmare. I woke up puzzled, distressed, disgusted and thought to myself "why would anyone hit another person when we have a brain to reason with?" But on this planet, this existence violence does exist and women have always been a so very perfect target. but why? Is it something karmic? Ancient? Why is there so much anger and hatred towards women? And yes towards towards same-sex partners?

Why am I Discussing this?
I know the topic of domestic violence is very popular again, specifically on social media to the scandal that occurred recently with a football player. But domestic violence or what some are calling domestic terrorism is nothing new. It's been here since the dawn of time. And not only women have been targets but children, men and animals. It is the so-called perceived "weaker" one who becomes the target. By weaker I certainly don't mean it in the traditional way because it takes mental and spiritual weakness and cowardice to hurt another being. I mean weakness as in somehow emotionally, financially, socio-economically physically dependent on the attacker/aggressor. 

Back in college I wrote a paper titled "Domestic Violence: The Equal Opportunity Destroyer". It was for an honors program. I did a local study that showed that anyone (in this case a sample of women) form any age, race, background, etc., can be a subject domestic violence. Notice I didn't say victim. I believe we can go from recipient of abuse to victor of ones life. However for the sake of simplicity I will use the word victim because it is how most people identify the recipient of abuse. Working on this project led me to working with actual clients who were in violent relationships. These relationships included 

• physical, 
• emotional/psychological, 
• sexual (which includes physical, emotional / spiritual violence),  
• and economic abuse. 

The place where I worked included emergency services, crisis counseling, referrals, finding shelter, crucial information and even changing locks for clients. But why did I decide to do this kind of work? I noticed that many other co-workers were either former domestic violence survivors. And so was I.

My story
As a teenage I met a young man through my best friend's family. I would spend every weekend with them and they would take me to Pennsylvania a mini vacation from New York. It was the greatest thing in the world for me because it was the only family my mother trusted enough to have me stay with them. Everything was great. I was an honors student. I loved being with four girls since I didn't have sisters it was so much fun. When I was 15 it was already a few years I was doing my weekend stay-overs and on one of these I met my friend's cousin and thought I fell in love. Yes, at 15 when our brains and bodies are all over the place developmentally. 

I jump ahead and say we were quickly and item and he was so charming my mother took him right in to our family and we even stayed together. I was convinced I would marry him. Then he showed how jealous he was. Irrationally so. I never thought it was a sign of caring. It clearly was a controlling jealousy and I remember he even wanted me to quit school. I had no intentions of doing that. He became more controlling picking me up, following me, watching everything I did. He would argue with me all the time telling me what to do and when, often shoving me, pushing me around and holding me down. He also assaulted me sexually and I wanted at this point to break up with him but it seemed impossible with his relentless back and forth between loving and bullying me. One day while I was at his family's home in New York as usual, he looked in my journal and saw I was writing letters to an old boyfriend. Nothing romantic just a friendly corresponding. But he didn't see it that way. He accused me of cheating. I screamed to him "how dare you look at my journal, that's private!" He followed me into a room as I grabbed by journal and proceeded to pull me by the hair and pummel me to a pulp. 

He was in such a rage yelling how he was going to kill me and I am sure he was going to. He punched, kicked, smacked and knocked me to the floor kicking me in the head. He was trying to kill me. He said said so. The same old "if I can't have you and you won't respect me I'm gong to kill you". This lead to some serious permanent damage to my left eye and neck. For some reason no one from his family heard me scream at the top of my lungs. But one of his cousins was heading towards the restroom and heard me opened the door and called for the rest of the her family. It took 3 people to get him off me. Literally dragged off, as he was possessed screaming would kill me. I could barely move but dragged myself to their phone and called the police. 

I didn't know where he went but didn't care. I called 911 anyway. His cousin came in and said he drove off that I was safe. I waited for the police who drove me home. I didn't want to go to the hospital and could move. The obliged but with a stern warning. I will never, ever forget what the officer said to me. He looked right at me and said "don't go back with him. He did it once, he will do it again and he can kill you next time. Please don't go back," I heard him out but couldn't think clearly. I got home and my mother screamed with horror. I didn't know why until I saw myself in the mirror and was unrecognizable. 

Weeks later the boyfriend returned. I did go back with him. It took a few more violent encounters for me to realize the officer was right and I was going to end up dead. It took a few years but I left him for good. He did still follow and try to contact me for 10 years. But finally I stopped hearing from him directly and occasionally heard about him from his cousins who by this time I was no longer close to. From what I heard he was beating up whoever he ended up with. He was cruel and also hurt animals. Where is he now? He is dead. He died a few years ago quite young on the eve of my birthday. One of his cousins wished me a happy birthday and gave me the gift of peace of mind he would never stalk me again. What did he die of? I'm not too sure except it had something to do with an enlarged heart. I had no idea he had a heart at all. 

Working with domestic violence victims for years taught me a lot. Including some very unexpected and controversial realizations I will discuss in a future post. I also encountered victims of domestic violence doing other type of consulting, advising and coaching. I no longer provide crisis counseling though the training is instilled in me. When I do encounter this in my spiritual coaching, I deal with it one person at a time and refer them to a professional who has the resources a client needs. The point is, there is always help and options. 

What are the options for victims?
Not every story is like mine. Many victims do die. Many continue to be abused for decades and in turn often pass on the legacy of violence to their children and other generations. I know there is another way. There is help available. One has to want to want it more than air itself. I know some perpetrators are relentless and will continue to try to control their victim until the end. I also know there are incredibly complex factors that make leaving a violent partner or family member very difficult and all but impossible. 

The human spirit can rise above anything. I've seen people dispirited because they feel there are no options, choices or escape from their pain. In this post's case the pain of being victimized. But there is hope and there are options. 

• Ask for help-there are many, many resources available practically everywhere. Both traditional and non traditional. Traditional meaning hotlines, counselors, shelters, the police, and hospitals, non traditional, can be other family members, friends, spiritual centers, neighbors, and colleagues. Never let anyone convince you to try to work things out with a violent partner. There is nothing you can do to control the other's behavior and completely unfair for anyone to ask you.
• Do your research-there are many ways to prevent, avoid and leave abusive relationships. Arm yourself with knowledge. In this case knowledge truly is power. Very often you need a strategy to get away. Many abusers use all their resources to try to maintain control. So it is best to have a plan.
• Be willing to pick up and go
• Never go back
• Watch for your children and pets. They are the silent victims and need the adult to have the wherewithal to protect them.
• Some perpetrators have triggers some do not. If you do know their triggers and many victims do, know you are not responsible for his/her action but avoid escalating until you can get to safety. 
• Trust your gut above all. It is never wrong, while the heart and head working separately can falter 

Calling and doing an internet search when you are able to safely will give you so much information. Including identifying or confirming you are being abused. There could be so much confusion in some relationships including seeing in your own family, or friends lives it can seem it's okay or normal to have violence in ones life but it is not. Not at all. There are ways of living peacefully, joyfully, healthfully. Know that is your birthright. 

Start with a simple hotline search if you are not sure The National Domestic Violence Hotline can also refer you to a local service for more help.

Why won't domestic violence go away?

As I started this post, I repeat that domestic violence has existed since the beginning of our recorded history. Just think of the image of a caveman hitting a woman over the head and dragging her by the hair into the cave. This is seen as actually comical. It isn't. It's dead serious, literally. So why after all this time have we not conquered the human ill of domestic violence. Hitting, killing hurting the ones we so-call love? Here are some ideas:

-We still don't offer strong legal repercussions to perpetrators

-It still isn't taken as a serious in many parts of the world

-We aren't always educated as to what to look for and how to avoid potential perpetrators 

-We haven't had total spiritual awakening that shows the uselessness of violence.

Can you think of a few more? I'm sure you can. Please add them in the comments section if you wish. 

I send you the light of safety and happiness.

If you would like more information on me and my quest please do contact me. I am of course on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, Youtube, Google+, Pinterest, Blogger, and BlogTalkRadio and all can be accessed via my website: www.thisisdiana.com and http://ow.ly/AGmlA  Sign up to my email list and get a FREE E-Book!

~Always with Love, Light and Common Sense Manners~

Diana Navarro, M.S.

On a Quest to Bring Common Sense Manners Back!

5 Really Good Reasons to Say Goodbye--To Friends, Lovers, Social Media, and Even Your Phone

Note: This piece is for introspection, you are fully responsible for all choices you make in your life.

A Brief Intro
When I was in elementary school I had to learn how to say hello and goodbye a lot. I went to 6 different elementary schools and had to hear that infamous "Hello class let's welcome our new student Diana".  Each time, I was scared to death I would not be welcomed or worse be un-welcomed. By the grace of the universe I was never treated badly or made to feel un-welcomed, but that's because I had a strategy. One I still use to day and will share at another time.

The worse part of moving around was saying goodbye to the friends I made. It was heartbreaking every time. You know what they say, with practice you get better. And I did. As a child and being an *empath, it was extra hard to detach, and even as an adult I have a very difficult time letting go of people and things when the time comes. But the time does come when it is time to move on for the greater good of all. 

I deal with a lot people in one way or the other. Again as an empath, I have to be extra self-protective. Something I learned the very hard way. I can't afford to have close and ongoing encounters with individuals who are on a significant different frequency (mismatched goals, ideologies, values) than me. How about you?

Do you know when it's time to say goodbye? As a child I didn't have a choice, I was moving. But as an adult it was a bit more vague. I felt I wanted my "bff" and be with my family/friends forever, but that isn't realistic. People and circumstances come into our lives for a reason. You may not know the reason for a long time to come, but chances are you will know and see the signs it's time to say goodbye.

1. When the greater good is no longer served, what does that mean? You know inside your mind and heart when a relationship, of work, personal or even casual is not serving the highest good:
2. When there is an ongoing, uneven exchange of energy and resources. 
3. When there is emotional, physical, spiritual depletion and damage to one or any of the parties involved.
4. When you feel frustrated, confused and fatigued dealing with the person or circumstance.
5. When you just know in the deepest level, and you do not need any logical reason.

You don't have to wait until you are so sick, upset, betrayed or experience any other negative emotion, before you move into your own peaceful space physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The key is to move on with finesse, class and proper manners. There is no point in creating more negativity when you are trying to be in a healthier place. Many people wonder just how to do that. Here is when you use that incredible brain you were given and tap into common sense. 

Family, Friends, Acquaintances
With personal contacts it can be very sticky. Particularly family and long time friends. But it is your right to have peace, love and good things should you choose it. So you begin with creating boundaries. Oh, I guarantee you it won't be a piece of cake, but it will bring you peace eventually. You don't have to run to someone's rescue all the time. So choose if you want to continue doing this. You will have resistance so prepare yourself. But hold strong, because that will pass. There are also so many support resources you can use to do a little research and give yourself that gift.

Many people come into our lives for a reason. To share experiences with, and/or to learn lessons from. Often, we are not meant to be around the same people our whole lifetimes. This includes family. Once you understand the relationship dynamics, the lessons to be learned, and karmic implications, you can begin to decide how deeply invested you want to be. 

Romantic Relationships 
This is a topic for a separate and much more involved post/episode. But the quick of it is, that if you are in a romantic relationship, you are absolutely exchanging energy in every way. Is that energy exchange a healthy one? Only you know. Check in with your body, your mind, your circumstances at various times and see what you find. From thousands of people I've consulted with, too many are inexcusably unsatisfied with their relationship. Feeling they give too much and not receive any energy equally. 

Don't be fooled thinking, "Oh, this is just a casual fling/hookup/affair." There is no such thing in the true energy field. Most people are settling  hoping something changes or until something better comes along. They may feel pass the phase of fixing their karma or learning a lesson but still hold on. This only creates more karma debt and harsh unbalance. Choose now what you want in your most intimate relationship. Peace, bliss, pleasure, joint learning, passion, respect, joy...or conflict, illness, confusion, violence, abuse, heartbreak, loneliness (while with this person). The choice is truly yours. Begin with knowing what your patterns are, who are you typically attracted to, and why? As I said above, personal romantic relationships are very complex and this is just a snippet. There will be more on this in future posts.

Social Media
Social media is relatively new but very powerful. We meet and re-meet many people we would not otherwise do so. This includes old friends, new lovers, business colleagues, and new contacts. With other social contacts as in social media, I can personally tell you, knowing who to stay in touch with and who not to has been a complex issue. I and many others don't want to "burn bridges" or create animosity with social contacts. Yet too many folks are just takers of your information, resources, energy and offer nothing in return except an attitude of entitlement, or even playing dumb. I tell those people the following.

• Don't take it as a personal insult if I unfriend/unfollow/hide you. There is probably little that benefits us being in contact in this manner.
• Should you want to stay in touch and increase the quality of our connection, you may contact me via email, or phone and make a proposal.
• Respect my decision, simply taking from others does NOT benefit either party, yes including the taker. 

This is my personal standard: I believe in sharing resources and a paradigm of abundance, not a scarcity-based one of competition.

Your Phone, Car, House, Jewelry, Other Material Object (*not pets, they are sentient and should never be given up unless to a guardian who can better love them!)

We can get so attached to material objects we love them more than people, animals and ourselves. We can even become obsessed with these and that affects the overall quality of our lives. For that, I would definite go to a professional for help. But if you are just somewhat attached, like you really just like your phone or service but aren't satisfied with cost, plan, quality, but feel you must be loyal to it, then you have every right to shop around for something that better suits you. If it's a company, then bear in mind that it knows you as money or a number, not a person so trust me they will not take it personally.  

Basically, what I am saying is that it's all about YOU. but in good way. Giving yourself care, love, respect, and boundaries makes it possible for you to be whole. Always remembering that we are in a web of inter-connectedness regardless. But you have the choice to surround yourself with loving people and things. It's okay to give yourself permission for a life of peace. In a world that seems so chaotic, you have control, believe it or not, of your mind, brain, and spirit. Even if someone attempts to assault you, your heart, body and soul is YOURS so cherish it, love it and thank it. Let's get out of victim-hood and into power-hood. Feel empowered to walk a away from things that don't serve the highest good and make room to allow wonderful things to enter your life.

Have a question? Visit www.thisisdiana.com

*An Empath is an intuitive who in addition to expressing empathy (the ability to put oneself in another person or animals place emotionally, physically and spiritually), have abilities and characteristics that go beyond the normal senses. Empaths are extremely sensitive to their environment, people and animals. She/he literally “feel” and sense what others feel in many ways. Hence Diana received psychic information by feeling what others feel but also via visual flashes, dreams, and connecting synchronicities.

On a Quest to Bring Manners Back
With Light. Love and OM
Diana Navarro, M.S.
www.Thisisdiana.com
Psychic--Empath with a Psychology background, Radio and Video Broadcast Producer/Host, Social Commentator/Speaker, Entertainer, Consultant and features topics on Lifestyle/Manners, Humor, Entertainment, Health, The Paranormal and Causes.

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