When Entering the Dating World-Calling out the Online Dating Ridiculousness 3A
Let’s say you want to simply explore online dating to see what happens. You may want to just get your juices going in your love life or find a permanent relationship. There are two things to keep in mind:
1) How you present yourself is so important. And yet so many people do the dumbest things. These are the Oh No Moments you want to avoid at all costs to find someone of quality and value. That means you present yourself with quality and value. And
2) It also means you want to avoid people are doing these dumb behaviors if you are looking for someone is self-aware in this area.
Some younger people today may be surprised to know that online dating sites and app weren’t always the norm. If fact, there was a stigma attached to dating this way. All that has changed. It is very well accepted and has been successful for many people. Again, it depends on what the person is looking for. The sites often account for that, from hooking up, to marriage, to more alternative lifestyle options. Since we are speaking of the Oh No Moments, let’s contemplate some of the many common ones. Some of the examples listed are referring to those who are creating the Oh No Moments and some are suggestions if you are the one committing the faux pas.
Oh No Moment
The Ridiculous of some dating strategies and sites OH MY
Dating, matchmaking etc have clearly been around forever. Now with technology it has, I want to say, evolved but I’m not sure if it’s a positive moment. I think it’s great to have options when it comes to dating. In fact, there are tons of success stories. There are also stories of what can go horribly wrong. One of my personal issues is the segmentation of dating sites into specific ethnic or religious groups, or social economic status. It is true we have preferences about who we think our life partner is but to reduce your options superficially lessens your chance of finding your right life partner who may be completely different from, any expectation you could ever imagine. You are more likely to find a karmic partner by insisting on certainsuperficial criteria. Some examples of silly sites, that aren’t free by the way, are some that cater to gold diggers, specific ethnic groups only, specific religions only, farmers only (seriously?), and yes, cheaters. As for dating events, what happens in these? Playing games like speed dating? The truth is that many of these events are there to make money for the host and venues, not make true matches. People want to meet other singles that is for sure. But I’ve seen plenty of people leave disappointed over and over again going to some of these events. At minimum, even if a love match isn’t made, shouldn’t it be fun? Shouldn’t there be some guidelines?
Oh No Moment
Lying your profile
This of course includes, saying things about yourself regarding career, lifestyle, marriage status, age, children, values and finances that are not true. This is particularly so if you are looking for a long-term relationship. Starting a relationship with lies, can’t be a good thing. In fact it is a disaster waiting to happen. Sooner or later, the truth comes out. So being forthright is really recommended. There are things that understandably can wait before you share them. However, there is some information that is not negotiable, for instance, marital status.
Oh No Moment
Complaining about your ex and past relationships
This just shows you left on very unhealthy terms and are carrying negativity about it with you, very likely right into the next relationship. You ideally want to start fresh with the new person and create your own healthy, wonderful memories. Sometime people think that by complaining about their past lover they are flattering the future lover somehow, e.g. “My ex was a bitch/bastard but you seem nice”, isn’t quite so cute. All you are showing is the potential for you to be the next one s/he complains and badmouth about, should you break up with them.
Oh No Moment
Being too forward in your introduction
You may find the person sexy and attractive, but saying something like “wow, you are hot!” is inappropriate in many contexts. Number one, you are looking to date, not cook the person, two it may seem flattering but it’s a photo and you may or may not feel the same when you see him/her in person. Why set yourself up? Also, referring to the person as “honey”, “babe”, “sweetheart”, when you don’t know them is very forward and unattractive. If you don’t want to turn some off before you even meet them, don’t be too forward.
Oh No Moment
Using cliché introductions
When someone you may be interested uses cliché, they can be huge turn offs. It shows lack of originality and a generic blasé attitude. It’s like going to the grocery store and “saying I’m plain white bread, buy me”. No, you want something that expresses your personality as authentic and original to you. If you see how many profiles say “Nice guy/girl looking for love”, then you have about a billion choices none of which will be right for you.
Oh No Moment
What’s good for the goose ain’t good for the gander
Men who want supermodel type dates but don’t take care of themselves are being hypocrites and this is dumb. If you have very high physical appearance standards, then it might be a good idea to know whether or not you are a suitable match. Of course, looks aren’t everything. Not everyone is endowed with natural beauty. In fact, beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. It’s best to suspend expectations and find the beauty, that truly makes the person and that is certainly not looks alone. With that said, doing the best with what you have goes a long way. As in having excellent hygiene, know what clothes, or general style make you look the best you can be.
Oh No Moment
Horrendous profile pictures
This is an extension of what is written above. For men, this includes selfies that just do not flatter you. Women, the same goes for you or overly sexual photos, unless you are on a site that does that specifically. Pick a photo of you and you alone, unless it’s some other type of site for polyamorous clients. Choose a photo that flatters your features. Ask friends and/or family, you don’t have to tell them what the photo is for. Try to look pleasant, not angry. I’ve seen photos that scream psycho killer or angry, bitter person here. I’m not saying smile like a clown, just look natural and agreeable. Oh, and make sure the picture is of you, not a cartoon character, animal or supermodel. That’s just up the scale of Dumbology.
Oh No Moment
Men, putting pictures of yourself with other women on the photo
The woman seeing your profile has to guess if the person on the photo is an ex partner, a family member or other. You are defeating the purpose of being on the dating site by pre-creating issues. Don’t put a photo of you with a clearly more attractive person than you and make the dating prospect person guess which of the two (or more) is you. The same general guidelines go for same sex dating and women. Use common sense.
Oh No Moment
A photo of you years ago or that clearly makes you look completely different
Now let’s think about this. What’s the point? If you looked great during that time, that’s wonderful, but we are in the present. Sooner or later you want to meet the person face to face and how are you going to explain how different you look now? I know many people who think, they personality will be so great they will disregard the difference in appearance. It’s basically deceptive and usually turns out very badly in the end.
Oh No Moment
Keep your privates private please
Keep anything too personal out of the photo or introduction. Unless this is a kinky site, keep your privates to yourself. Saying “Well hung” or even showing pictures demonstrating this will just lead to freaking someone out big time. You are simply going to scare or push the person away. It also shows how little awareness a person has about appropriateness in general or person’s intention to possibly do this on purpose, a clear unhealthy behavioral issue showing itself.
Oh No Moment
Don’t Gloat
It’s one thing to be confident, but it’s another to be egocentric and full of yourself. There is nothing attractive about someone is narcissistic and self-involved. Try to find the middle ground and know the difference.
Oh No Moment
Not understanding what sexual contact is really comprised of
Think sex is the only thing that constitutes sex, but everything else goes? Seriously? Yes, people actually believe this. Even very young school children are engaged in all kinds of sexual activities, even much riskier than regular intercourse and think it’s okay because “it isn’t really sex”. This is a disaster and ignorant. Sadly many adults think this as well. Some people really lack boundaries. It is ideal to be clear and communicate what’s acceptable touch and what is not as early as possible. This is not always possible with an overly aggressive person. In this case, get yourself to safety as soon as possible. Also, have a communication plan with a trusted friend that you are safe or need help if necessary.
Stay tuned for part 3B of this post 💗
~Diana Navarro, M.S.
Finding the Beautiful Things in LIfe--Including Manners
Finding the Beautiful Things in LIfe--Including Manners
#bitesizehealing
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